because of you

i'm scared
all the time
all the time

i'm terrified
i'm shaking
i'm sweating
i'm tossing and turning at night
i'm grinding my teeth
i'm clutching my pillow

this sick feeling is always swimming around inside of me
no butterflies, just anxiety
always anxious
always paranoid
always doubtful

i can't trust
i can't let go
i can't open up

one step forward
two steps back
going round in circles
going nowhere
not moving

and i don't know what to give you
because i don't know what you want
you take a little and give even less back
you never talk, you always ask
but you never ask the right questions

you don't want out but you're not all in
"maybe"
"kind of"
"i don't know"
i do know

and your beauty hides all your flaws
blinding me from the truth
your smile shielding me from the pain
but i see your eyes and they speak so loudly i can't ignore them anymore...

and i'm scared
all the time
all the time

at first sight

And I just want you know – even if you don’t feel the same – I still want you know, that when we first met, I thought you were one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen. I still remember it.

Even under the influence and in the presence of several distracting factors, I remember my vision tunnelling around you:

Focus. Zoom. Process. Save.

They say memories change and they can’t be trusted but I’ll never forget the first time I saw you. And I’ll never forget the way I felt the first time you looked at me, the first time you smiled at me. It was like you were fading away from me, far into some distant alternate universe where there was actually a chance of us possibly being something.

I don’t believe in love at first sight but your eyes drew me in so fast, so hard, that I felt tingles in the very depth of my soul. And potential. And attraction. And happiness. And sex.

The moment I turned away, I was so sure that there would be nothing more than what we had just had. We’d never make it past hellogoodbyes.

Thank god I was wrong.

And every time I saw you after that, I felt that tingle.

Suppressed. Trivialised. Ignored.

How could I allow my mind to wander?

How could I allow my mind to wonder? 

And every step closer to you felt miniscule and insignificant. Every exchange irrelevant. Every touch unimportant. Was I wrong?

Because here you are. Here we are. And in this moment in time, we are something. Even if tomorrow never comes, today we matter.

And every step closer to you feels noteworthy. Every exchange so relevant. Every single touch feels meaningful because you make it so.

You make me want to cry every time you kiss my forehead and pull me in close. My heart feels heavy when you hold my hand. You’re giving me a new thing and it hurts. You burn inside me. And I’m scared – terrified even. I’ve never felt so comfortable outside of my comfort zone.

And I don’t know how much to give you.

And I don’t know how much you want.

And I don’t know much of anything right now but I do know that I want look at you forever and remember the first time.

Remember how I felt when I first saw you.

Remember how I felt the first time you smiled at me and etched yourself into my life