Right Now

So the sh*t finally hit the fan. I knew it was coming, I expected it because if there's one thing I've learnt in my 21 years, it is to always trust your instincts, especially as a woman. No matter how much you want something not to be true, if you feel it in your gut, it's most probably true. 
Still, it doesn't make it hurt any less. Actually, I'm lying there - it did hurt less when I finally found out because I think I'd had all this time to subconsciously prepare for it. I wish I didn't have to find out at all. Better still, I wish there was nothing to find out. Do you know what I really wish? I wish you were smart enough and skilled enough to build a machine that would defy the rules of time so you could go back and not do what you did, because apologising now isn't doing anything for me. Sorry doesn't fit in my pocket. However, that's me putting faith in you (once again) and believing that given a second chance, you would say no. Given a second chance, you would think of me first and decide that you weren't going to risk losing me for personal gain. That's what you're making me believe right now as the tears stream down your cheeks, tears that you claim you have never given to anyone else. Well how do you think I feel knowing that all you can give me is tears? And still, I take your tears and they break my heart. 
You think I'm a strong person, but I am weak when it comes to you. Weak. Broken. Vulnerable. Willing. Ashamed to admit that I not only want you in my life, but I feel like I need you. 
How did this happen? How did closing myself off to love, locking my heart away, keeping my distance, backfire in my face? I think that as I was hiding my love away from other people for so long, I was unknowingly giving it to you thinking you'd keep it safe for me. And you don't know what to do with it sometimes so you neglect it. You forget to take it out of your pocket when you put your jeans in the machine. You leave it for days without food. You lose it. You ignore it. You forget about it, but you never once let it go. You always come back to it and swear that this time, you'll take care of it, and like a new pet, it gets your utmost care and attention for a short while and then the novelty wears off. 
I have no choice but to take it back if you're not going to look after it properly.
And yes, I'll admit, you're doing a great job so far this time around, so great that I don't actually know where this is going. So great that you're messing with my head with the things you say. And I really don't want to ruin the moment but I have to ask - is this out of love or guilt?