I can wait.

I asked for a sign. 
I begged for a sign. 
I pleaded for some sense of direction. 


Be careful what you wish for.

How can I even have the audacity to question whether this is it. It was literally screamed at me, repeated for emphasis.
He was clearly in my view so he was obviously on my mind. I couldn’t ignore or block my ears. 
I couldn’t escape. 
He was speaking to me and I had to listen. 
HE was speaking. 
He told me to follow, to admire and to aspire.

I’m starting to do that thing where I add it all up. I add it all up and I make conclusions. 
I deduce, I infer, I assume. Correlation, causation, summation.
What if? 
Why not? 
I eliminate anomalies and omit certain figures that I believe don’t fit in with my mean values. Skip, delete, ignore. 
You can’t do that in real life though because that’s when things come back to slap you in the face. 
You can’t eliminate people. Especially people who don’t deserve it, so what am I trying to do?

There is no way on earth that I can possibly begin to try and control this situation and manipulate it to my advantage. There is no way I would want to because I don’t want to carry someone else’s tears in my heart. 
She would be heartbroken, and He would be disappointed, and he would be unhappy and we would be cursed. 
So what do I do?

I just wait. And He knows how long I can wait. 

here it comes

Oh no, oh no, oh no. It’s happening, here it comes.

Here comes the nausea, the bitchiness, the wall. The wall that I’m building between us. I knew this would happen, I just knew. Whether or not predicting our downfall actually impacted in it, I’ll never know. And does it really matter anyway considering there is no way I can ever switch off my thoughts. So if my thoughts = the end of my relationships, there’s nothing I can do about that.

Let’s be real for a second. You can’t handle me and you know it. Or perhaps you’re completely oblivious right now but you should know it. I need someone to tame me – not because I’m a wild person but I become that way when I see opportunity. I need someone who’s strong enough to keep me grounded but without being suffocating. Someone who’s strength completely overshadows any weaknesses that can be exploited. You have to capture me completely; have some sort of hold on my emotions, completely manipulate my ability to consciously feel. I need you to be intoxicating in every sense – why do you smell so far away? I need to constantly be able to breathe in your scent and that scent is supposed to be able to activate my reward pathway so hard that I OD on dopamine. That’s what I need. And you can’t give me what I need.

But he can. And he knows he can. Look at what he’s done to me.

Are you happy now? This is what you wanted isn’t it? And I know deep inside that you only had my best interests at heart; how were you to know that your actions would have much deeper implications. If only you knew that I understood you wholeheartedly. If only you knew that I knew exactly what you meant. And yes I know how it feels. And yes that’s exactly what I want. And yes I would gladly wait…if waiting meant I could be with you at the end of it all.