here it comes

Oh no, oh no, oh no. It’s happening, here it comes.

Here comes the nausea, the bitchiness, the wall. The wall that I’m building between us. I knew this would happen, I just knew. Whether or not predicting our downfall actually impacted in it, I’ll never know. And does it really matter anyway considering there is no way I can ever switch off my thoughts. So if my thoughts = the end of my relationships, there’s nothing I can do about that.

Let’s be real for a second. You can’t handle me and you know it. Or perhaps you’re completely oblivious right now but you should know it. I need someone to tame me – not because I’m a wild person but I become that way when I see opportunity. I need someone who’s strong enough to keep me grounded but without being suffocating. Someone who’s strength completely overshadows any weaknesses that can be exploited. You have to capture me completely; have some sort of hold on my emotions, completely manipulate my ability to consciously feel. I need you to be intoxicating in every sense – why do you smell so far away? I need to constantly be able to breathe in your scent and that scent is supposed to be able to activate my reward pathway so hard that I OD on dopamine. That’s what I need. And you can’t give me what I need.

But he can. And he knows he can. Look at what he’s done to me.

Are you happy now? This is what you wanted isn’t it? And I know deep inside that you only had my best interests at heart; how were you to know that your actions would have much deeper implications. If only you knew that I understood you wholeheartedly. If only you knew that I knew exactly what you meant. And yes I know how it feels. And yes that’s exactly what I want. And yes I would gladly wait…if waiting meant I could be with you at the end of it all.