I’ve tried. Lord
knows, I’ve tried.
Maybe I just haven’t
tried hard enough, but I just can’t seem to stop myself from hating you. Ok,
hate is a strong word…so then it might be appropriate in this case because I
feel very strongly about you. Am I capable of hate? I never, ever dreamed that
I would be. This is the longest time that I’ve ever kept such negative feelings
towards someone in my life. This is completely out of character for me, I don’t
hold grudges – forgive and forget – that’s what my mother taught me. But I’ve
tried numerous times to forgive and since I can’t forget, I don’t think I can
completely forgive.
And I’m so angry.
After all this time, I’m still boiling.
i.am.livid.
The thought of you
parading around my world – MY friends and MY family – disgusts me. It
absolutely irks me to think about you snaking yourself all over him again. And
will he fall for you again? Will he make his choice this time? And will I be
left out in the cold? Or rather pushed into the fire.
But you haven’t seen
the fire like the one in my heart, you don’t even know what I am capable of, I
don’t even know. All I know is that I will not lose to you. If you can take it
to the next level, well then believe me when I say that I can step it the fuck
up. You will get burnt.
“Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred turned/
Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."
All
the humiliation, the hurt, the confusion – it’s all still there, in my
memories, in my nightmares, in the core of my soul. Impossible to turn out,
emotions grow like cancer and feed on my positivity like parasites. But don’t
flatter yourself, you are in no way strong enough to even penetrate my outer
most barriers, the only reason you’re in so deep is because of him. I let him
in and you attached yourself like a leech and now I can’t get rid of you.
And
they ask me why I feel this way. Why am I such a monster? Why am I such an
unforgiving, heartless bitch?
Why, why, why?
Why, why, why?
I’ll
tell you.
What
you did with him was merely the icing on the cake, a catalyst in the end of our
friendship (I use the term ‘friendship’ very generously). What you did to me is
unforgivable. Women are supposed to look out for each other, be there for each
other, but instead we push each other face first into the dirt. Hard.
If only you knew how easy it would have been for me to forgive you and see things from your point of view because the person who was really to blame was him. We could have turned it around on him, you and me. We could have taken him down. We’re so strong, we’re so similar, we were both feeling the same kind of heartbreak. We could have been unstoppable. But you chose him over me. You kept me in the dark when I kept you in the light. You made sure I was powerless because you are selfish.
You are insecure and naïve.
You are insincere, deceitful and devious.
How far will that get you, sweetheart?
How about you earn yourself a little bit of dignity, loyalty and self-respect. The whole world isn’t out to get you, you’re out to get yourself.
If only you knew how easy it would have been for me to forgive you and see things from your point of view because the person who was really to blame was him. We could have turned it around on him, you and me. We could have taken him down. We’re so strong, we’re so similar, we were both feeling the same kind of heartbreak. We could have been unstoppable. But you chose him over me. You kept me in the dark when I kept you in the light. You made sure I was powerless because you are selfish.
You are insecure and naïve.
You are insincere, deceitful and devious.
How far will that get you, sweetheart?
How about you earn yourself a little bit of dignity, loyalty and self-respect. The whole world isn’t out to get you, you’re out to get yourself.
And
now it’s too late. He’s won. We let him win.