Unlock your heart

I know I’m not supposed to talk about it - I’m not even supposed to think about it in case someone reads my mind but I can’t help it. Or maybe I don’t want to help it. 

I’m still not sorry, 

I still don’t regret it and even if I had a time machine, I wouldn’t undo what you did. In fact, I’d go back and make it happen again – how awful is that? I am the epitome of selfish. Somehow I think that only means that I’m the epitome of human so don’t judge me. I know you’re not judging me though, you’re judging yourself. You’re confused. You’re finding things out about yourself that you didn’t know were inside you in the first place. You’re lying to yourself, you’re pushing it all underneath the carpet, and you’re contradicting your beliefs but convincing yourself that you are remorseful. Are you really sorry? And if so, what are you sorry about? Everything? Or only some things? 

I see so many unsaid words in your eyes when you talk to me. In fact, I see a lot of things when you talk to me, I just don’t understand what they are. I can’t read you all and I’m scared that if I try, I’ll get it completely wrong. So I look down at my feet…


...and you notice. I look away and you notice. I smile, and you notice. I frown and you notice. You notice when I’m in deep thought, when I’m daydreaming, when I’m being judgemental, when I’m angry, sad, ecstatic. You even pick up my most subtle glances. I used to think that I was deceptive when it came to my emotions but you see through me so easily, I might as well be made of glass, and that both scares me and intrigues me. And I have to ask myself, are you good at observing people in general, or are you just good at observing me?

You’re making my brain fuzzy. I’m incapable of using sophisticated vocabulary. What have you done to me? I can’t like you – there are so many reasons, too many reasons why I can’t like you. I disagree with so many of your opinions, and you’re so stubborn, so very stubborn. So many reasons but still, I want to be around you all the time. All the time. And when I’m around you, I feel like I can be myself, but at the same time, you make me watch myself. And I know it’s a cliché but it’s never been so true - you make me want to be a better person. You don’t make me want to change who I am, but you make me want to be the best version of myself I can be. Why do I feel like I do the opposite for you; I feel like I bring out the side of you that you detest the most. I wish you could see that it’s not a crime to be human, to truly be human. I wish you could practise what you preach. I wish that you could let go a little without drowning in guilt afterward.

It doesn’t have to be this hard. Just take my hand and I’ll show you

Drama will find you.

What have I done? What have we done? I promised myself – however half-heartedly – that these days were over. I wanted to change, I wanted to prove to myself that I could change, that I could be better. That I deserved better. I do deserve better, don’t I? Why are human beings so selfish? Maybe we do live in the present too much, maybe we do seize the moment too much. Maybe we should take a little bit more time to think about the consequences, to think about tomorrow. Because tomorrow will come, and when it does, you’re going to have to try and fix something that technically isn’t broken and everything is going to change even though you swore to yourself that you would never let that happen. You swore a lot of things to yourself though, so it’s just another promise you didn’t keep. Why? Because you don’t have control anymore, you gave it all away. You gave it ALL away.

Now you’re left with nothing.

And what of the broken-hearted who don't know yet that their hearts are broken - and that you are indirectly responsible? What about them? What about you? How are you going to fix it? Is ignorance bliss? Or is honesty the best policy, even if it means you might lose it all? You've unknowingly created a situation where you have to make choices. So many choices. And I - I have been in this situation too many times to know exactly how it will pan out. I know exactly what you're going to say, what you're going to do, so you don't have to utter a single word. 

But why am I never the choice. I want to be the chosen one for once. 

Oh I can’t say no to something sweet

But it’s not what I need

You keep feeding me when I’m not hungry

– Lovely Morning by Room 11

Numb.

I'm just typing for the sake of it. I guess today, I'm not emotionally distraught/damaged. I'm not ecstatic or angry or sad about anything, which is nice. It's so nice to have a break from the drama. It's so nice to give your heart a break. 


This heart of mine, just when I think she's immune to heartbreak, that she's strong enough to close herself off, she goes and cracks right open surprising everyone, especially me. All the love came pouring out. Love that I didn't know was in there - I didn't know it was possible to have so much. Uncontrollable hemorrhaging - it was messy. There was nowhere to put the contents and no way to hide the damage. Everyone could see, everyone - especially you. But I shielded your eyes to the best of my abilities and eventually, spilt emotions were cleaned off the floor. We stitched up those wounds and moved on because that's the way it should be. And I don't intend on ever looking back. 

My Favourite Music Videos (some of them)

Don't you just love that feeling you get when you absolutely LOVE a song and then the music video is released and it makes you love that song even more. Even harder. Even better. 
Or sometimes, you don't even like a song but you find yourself somehow obsessed and completely immersed in the music video. The video doesn't even have to be an artistic masterpiece or thought provoking. It doesn't have to have had a huge budget, mind-blowing special effects or men with with bodies that have been sculpted out of stone. It just has to capture you.


Here is my (incomplete) list of music videos that activate my reward pathway or just simply intrigue me to the point that I will always watch them all the way through. 


In no particular order: 


Roses - Outkast
The first time I heard this song was also the first time I watched the video. I was hooked. 

Favourite part - The end when Caroline is taken away by the obnoxious hipster. Hilarious.






Promises - Badly Drawn Boy
I can't change the channel when this is on, those lights are absolutely mesmerising. And I love how they also light up in time to the music.

Favourite part - how as the song progresses, the number of lights increases as well as the frequency with which they light up. Everything is in sync.






Soon We'll Be Found - Sia
Personally I find all her videos noteworthy and her Breathe Me video was especially creative, but this one is my favourite. I absolutely love the use of sign-language with the white painted hands.

Favourite part - when she is with the group of people. It's interesting to note the different emotions of everyone's face and I find them incredibly believable. 






Dream On - Robyn 
For me, this is quite a powerful song. It wasn't just a typical "bringing all the outcasts together" type of song, I felt like she really meant every word she sang. The video just added to the message of the song and if you stick with it all the way through, it really plays on your mind.

Favourite part - the end, of course. When you find out that you have wrongly judged every single person in this video, something we do in our lives every single day.








Raise The Roof - Tracy Thorn
This is one of the cutest videos I have ever seen, and I mean that in the least condescending way. It's a simple story - boy and girl meeting for the first time in person, but it's the actors who really make this one special. They really are a perfect match for each other AND those red flats with that yellow dress makes my tingle inside.

Favourite part - obviously the end when they come together with their cute, quirky dance moves and almost kiss - but don't. Perfect.






Power - Kanye West
Of course only Kanyeezy would be as arrogant and brave enough to create a 90 second 'moving painting' inspired by Michelangelo's frescos in the Sistine Chapel. I think it's both beautiful and effective.

Favourite part: the whole thing. 






Call Your Girlfriend - Robyn
If I could, I'd put every single Robyn video in this list. Major girl-crush alert. Her dancing in this video makes me feel the need to question my sexuality. The way she moves is unlike anything or anyone I have ever seen before, she has her own style and she owns it completely.

Favourite part - when she first starts dancing and does that slide/walk thing across the floor. Gives me shivers every time.







Wannabe - Spice Girls
Come on, how can you not love everything about this song and video. The enthusiasm, the fashion, the fact that there were apparently no bras in the 90s. It's just too good.

Favourite part - it's hard to choose but I'm gonna go with Mel C's backflip on the table.






I Feel Better - Hot Chip
The first time I saw this video, I was utterly confused and somewhat disturbed, but I loved it. What's not to love about it? A strange, bald man gobbling up a boy band and a scary, evil fat man at the end. Classic. And did I mention that this is one of my favourite songs as well?

Favourite part - when the boy band return and dance with creepy bald guy. There's something about those beige suits.






Single Ladies - Beyonce
Do you have any idea how hard it was to just choose one Beyonce video? Do you? The woman is a goddess. This video is the perfect example of the phrase "less is more". Such simplicity but such effectiveness. Truthfully I didn't even like the song, but the minute I saw this video, I was hooked. The choreography paired with the monochromatic theme makes it perfect.

Favourite part - really? You're going to make me choose? Okay, I'm gonna go with the little cheeky/devious smile at the end. *goosebumps*






This too shall pass - Ok Go
Okay I know I said that this list wasn't in any particular order, but this is definitely one of the best music videos of all time. Just think of how much work and dedication went into building this Rube Goldberg machine, and the pressure on the camera man to get it right in one shot. I could go on and on...

Favourite part - not really a particular part but I love how in some instances, things seem to be happening in perfect time with the song itself. The precision gives me shivers. 






On To The Next One - Jay-Z ft. Swizz Beats
I love the song. I love the imagery. I love the fact that it's in black and white. Most of all I love the fact that it doesn't fall into the stereotype if being a "typical rap music video". It's classy and creative. Some people think it has evil/illuminati symbolism in it but personally, I'm not into all that hype. The video is what it is, let's not over analyze.  

Favourite part - so many, so many. I love the drummer and the girl who dances on top of the cases. 






Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
Speaking of illuminati symbolism, there was a lot of hype surrounding this video for that very reason. I just love absolutely everything about this video from the choreography to the costumes. I also love the fact it has a story that actually makes sense and progresses, and not only that, but it links in well with the lyrics of the song. We all know Lady Gaga doesn't do that very often. 

Favourtie part - I don't know why but it's when she's stood still in the waterfall of diamonds. I love the pose, I love the elegance.






Sadness Is A Blessing - Lykke Li
Like Robyn, Lykke Li has a very unique and distinct dance style which I can't get over. She's so beautiful and talented. I love how this video has the ability to make you feel both uncomfortable and sad at the same time. I feel as if I'm in that restaurant observing her cry for attention first hand.

Favourite part - her dancing, of course.






Dirrty - Christina Aguilera
Some people were ecstatic, others were disgusted, but everyone was definitely shocked at Christina's transformation in this video. She pushed the boundaries with her raw sexuality and provocative dance moves. To this day I'm still in love with this video - this is my favourite Christina.

Favourite part - the choreography of the second verse. I could watch that over and over again.






All The Lovers - Kylie Minogue
There's something euphoric about watching a sea of people dance on top of each other in white underwear. For some reason I love music video's with swarms of couples engaging in PDA in the middle of the street, no matter how strange that sounds, it makes me incredibly happy.

Favourite part - when everyone sways their arms in unison. It makes my heart flutter just a little bit.






Doo-Wop (That Thing) - Lauryn Hill
I've always loved this video. I think the split screen comparison of two different decades is ingenious and is executed perfectly. 

Favourite part - I don't really have one but Lauryn's 60s hairstyle is brilliant.






Bonus video:
Heavy On My Heart - Anastasia
I'm not ashamed to say that I may have teared up a little the first time I watched this video. I just found it so incredibly sad and heartbreaking. It wouldn't be right if I didn't include it.

Favourite part - I don't know if it's my favourite part but the tears definitely start rolling as they're being burnt into one in the fire. 




And that's it for now. I will probably do a part two at some point.