olfaction

it's hard. harder than i thought. much harder than i thought. 
what do i do? i feel so torn - torn between wanting to want to repent and not wanting to want to repent, are you following? how do i make myself feel sorry about something that i don't feel sorry about? i'm trying (i think) to feel bad but i can't force myself to feel things that i don't, even though i know what i should be feeling. 


i look back through old pictures. old videos. old posts. i still can't comprehend how i even ended up here. how? how? how? 


and i'm holding it in, i'm holding it in; i hope you don't notice that i'm holding it all in. you don't understand how much i want to open myself to you. literally. i want you to climb inside of me and i want to ingest you whole. kidding. 
but i would like very much for you to hold me and never let go so that i can get lost in your scent forever. i want to breathe in so much of you that i get dizzy, and when i touch my face i can smell you all over my hands, and i can smell you on skin, my clothes, my pillow. if i could, i would bottle up your scent like jean-baptiste grenouille in the book 'perfume' by patrick süskind. 


i have never felt as strongly about a scent as i do about yours. are you aware that you are wearing a highly potent aphrodisiac? i feel as if it's custom made and laced with your pheromones because i feel like i can't control myself when i'm in your presence lest i stop breathing and suffocate to death. 


that combined with your habit of staring. staring at me. why are you staring at me? at first i thought it was just my imagination but now you've confirmed your actions and i don't know what to do or where to go. and i can't help but wander what i look like in your eyes; how do you feel when you look at me? you don't know do you? that's why you keep looking, searching, always searching. or maybe you're just trying to make me feel uncomfortable and it's as simple as that. 


maybe you're right, maybe i do think too much. sigh.