Want

It’s better today. Or is it worse? 
I don’t really know because I’m working on supressing my emotions – whether or not it’s actually working is debateable. Why is it that I’m always having to supress my emotions? Oh yeah, maybe it’s because I keep falling for the wrong people. Or maybe they are the right people but it’s the wrong time. Yeah, that seems more plausible – there’s nothing wrong with my taste, it’s just my timing that needs to be adjusted slightly. Slightly? I make myself laugh. Here we go:

To whom this may concern,

You’re always at the back of my mind if I’m not actively thinking about you, so basically, you’re always in my head. I sometimes get flashbacks and there are shivers down my spine and butterflies in my stomach and I feel like I’d really like to go back in time and freeze in that moment when it was just you and I in our own little bubble, in our own little world.

My heart doesn’t long for you – I’m not in love. There’s no ache or heart break, but there is a slight want. A wanting? I don’t need you, I want you. 

I want you to be near me. No – next to me.

I want you to hold me so I can get lost in your scent. I could live in your scent. I could die in your scent.

I want you to laugh at me, laugh with me, argue with me and then tell me that you like the way I think. I want you to compliment me. 

I want you to ask me if I’d like to spend some time with you. 

I want you to text me everyday and drunk call me on Saturdays.

I want you to play guitar with me and sing the harmony to my melody. 

I want you to hold my hand when my feet hurt and my heels are too high. I want you to dance with me. 

I want you to film me while I talk about important topics like “self-respect” while I’m drunk and then laugh at the irony. 

I want you to know that you make me want to be the best version of myself I can be. 

I want you to be my friend. 

I want you to talk to me. I want you to want to talk to me.

I want you to want to do all of these things. 

I want you to want me. 

I want you.

Is that selfish? Of course it is.
But maybe God is selfish too because he created us to love him. He wants us to love him and that’s not a bad thing, right?

I don’t even want you to love me, not yet, I just want you to like me. That’s not too much to ask. 

The ugly truth about cheating

Ok, let's be straight up here. I'm going to give my opinion on this subject - that doesn't mean that what I'm going to say is right, it only means that I think it's right. 
I'm not going to go into how horrible cheating is or whether I think that people who cheat should be castrated, I'm only going to speak about the difference between when a man does it and when a woman does it; from what I've observed, there is a general difference.


This is a very confusing topic for me, especially when I look at men who cheat. I have seen men who love their girlfriends more than anything go astray. And one might argue that if they really loved them that much, they would have stayed faithful, but the more I observe, the more I've come to realise that love has nothing to do with it. We all hurt people we love at one point or another - even the person you love most in the world. So it becomes a question of other things, simpler things, sometimes even a combination of simpler things. And the beauty of the situation is that men have this ability to separate emotions and physical activity e.g. sex. 
That is why a man can engage in physical activity with a woman and feel absolutely nothing for her, and continue to love someone else. Having an affair is different because it's ongoing and pre-meditated, but I'm talking about purely in-the-moment/i-had-a-temporary-lapse-in-my-ability-to-think-straight cheating. Quite frankly, most men have cheated at least once in their lives. And I know they say (whoever "they" is) 'once a cheater, always a cheater' but I think it's possible for a man to just make a mistake and never do it again. Not everyone has to be a chronic cheater/asshole. And another fact - even good men cheat. In fact, even the best men cheat. And so cheating on your partner does not define who you are as a person, depending on the circumstances, it can just be a mistake. People make even bigger mistakes everyday. 
Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing this just because I'm explaining it, but sometimes you just have to see things for exactly what they are and NOT what you think they should be because social norms influence your opinions. That means judging every situation individually and differently. And it's so quick and easy to judge someone else without ever having been in that situation yourself. 
Quite frankly, if I had to choose (and I hope I never do), I would rather have a man who kissed/slept with a random woman once and never did it again than a man who remained physically faithful to me but was talking to someone everyday online. Why? Well he's clearly established some sort of connection with her, and therefore, relationship. Emotions will get involved and if they ever did anything physically, that would most definitely turn into an affair. We don't want to deal with an affair. No. 


I'm not being misogynistic here, but when women cheat, in my opinion, it should be slightly less forgivable and more of a big deal. I'm saying this because I am a woman and therefore can give my opinion from the perspective of owning a vagina. Women are generally less spontaneous when it comes to sexual promiscuity as we have more self-control than men. We might not always exercise this gift, but we posses it. We have the ability to think first before we make bad decisions, even when extremely intoxicated. If a woman has cheated, it's most probably pre-planned, and that's quite worrying. Of course, there are exceptions, and sometimes there are cases where they just had a "man-moment" but most of the time, they are fully aware of what they are doing because they've probably been thinking about it for a while; you already know it's going to happen long before it happens. 


Basically, human beings are selfish. We are so selfish. We are willing to risk it all just to get what we want in that moment in time. Just to feel something different, just to feel something good. We will convince ourselves that we're not bad people to get what we want and continue to justify ourselves afterwards. That's just a thing we do, a thing we all do and so you need to climb down from your self-riteous horse, build yourself a bridge and get over it (I'm not talking to anyone in particular).