triangle, square, circle?

I feel like this is turning into a triangle really quickly. Except it’s not really is it?

You definitely like me.
I definitely like him. 
He probably doesn’t like me (he likes her). 
I don’t dislike you and neither am I not attracted to you but is that good enough?

So really it’s kind of like a line. That’s not good either unless it’s a face to face one with two people.

What do I do now? Now that I know for sure, where do we go? What does this mean? 
Are you deeper than I think or are you only appearing that way because in that case we’re fine. 
We’ll be fine if we stay on the surface, floating gently side by side, faces out of water. It’s when we dive in that things get messy. 
I can see you but you’re blurry and it’s frustrating me.

I’m panicking because I realise I can’t breathe, I’m suffocating, then drowning, I need air.

I feel slight ‘Tash feelings’ coming on which is ridiculous since I hardly have anything to base these feelings on. I’m already creating an ending when we haven’t even begun; why do I always do this? And besides that, you know I’m going to break your heart, don’t you?

Hard.

I’m going to build you up and lead you on because I think I can do this, then I’m going to cut you open, reach into your chest and rip it out. I’ll throw it really hard against the concrete and step on it until it bleeds. Then I’ll look into your eyes and realise what I’ve done. “It wasn’t me” I’ll try to tell you. “I didn’t do it on purpose, it just happened”. “I warned you things would end like this”. All these different people trying to talk and justify themselves.

But all these people are me, they’re all me. And I’m no good for you…

olfaction

it's hard. harder than i thought. much harder than i thought. 
what do i do? i feel so torn - torn between wanting to want to repent and not wanting to want to repent, are you following? how do i make myself feel sorry about something that i don't feel sorry about? i'm trying (i think) to feel bad but i can't force myself to feel things that i don't, even though i know what i should be feeling. 


i look back through old pictures. old videos. old posts. i still can't comprehend how i even ended up here. how? how? how? 


and i'm holding it in, i'm holding it in; i hope you don't notice that i'm holding it all in. you don't understand how much i want to open myself to you. literally. i want you to climb inside of me and i want to ingest you whole. kidding. 
but i would like very much for you to hold me and never let go so that i can get lost in your scent forever. i want to breathe in so much of you that i get dizzy, and when i touch my face i can smell you all over my hands, and i can smell you on skin, my clothes, my pillow. if i could, i would bottle up your scent like jean-baptiste grenouille in the book 'perfume' by patrick süskind. 


i have never felt as strongly about a scent as i do about yours. are you aware that you are wearing a highly potent aphrodisiac? i feel as if it's custom made and laced with your pheromones because i feel like i can't control myself when i'm in your presence lest i stop breathing and suffocate to death. 


that combined with your habit of staring. staring at me. why are you staring at me? at first i thought it was just my imagination but now you've confirmed your actions and i don't know what to do or where to go. and i can't help but wander what i look like in your eyes; how do you feel when you look at me? you don't know do you? that's why you keep looking, searching, always searching. or maybe you're just trying to make me feel uncomfortable and it's as simple as that. 


maybe you're right, maybe i do think too much. sigh.

Want

It’s better today. Or is it worse? 
I don’t really know because I’m working on supressing my emotions – whether or not it’s actually working is debateable. Why is it that I’m always having to supress my emotions? Oh yeah, maybe it’s because I keep falling for the wrong people. Or maybe they are the right people but it’s the wrong time. Yeah, that seems more plausible – there’s nothing wrong with my taste, it’s just my timing that needs to be adjusted slightly. Slightly? I make myself laugh. Here we go:

To whom this may concern,

You’re always at the back of my mind if I’m not actively thinking about you, so basically, you’re always in my head. I sometimes get flashbacks and there are shivers down my spine and butterflies in my stomach and I feel like I’d really like to go back in time and freeze in that moment when it was just you and I in our own little bubble, in our own little world.

My heart doesn’t long for you – I’m not in love. There’s no ache or heart break, but there is a slight want. A wanting? I don’t need you, I want you. 

I want you to be near me. No – next to me.

I want you to hold me so I can get lost in your scent. I could live in your scent. I could die in your scent.

I want you to laugh at me, laugh with me, argue with me and then tell me that you like the way I think. I want you to compliment me. 

I want you to ask me if I’d like to spend some time with you. 

I want you to text me everyday and drunk call me on Saturdays.

I want you to play guitar with me and sing the harmony to my melody. 

I want you to hold my hand when my feet hurt and my heels are too high. I want you to dance with me. 

I want you to film me while I talk about important topics like “self-respect” while I’m drunk and then laugh at the irony. 

I want you to know that you make me want to be the best version of myself I can be. 

I want you to be my friend. 

I want you to talk to me. I want you to want to talk to me.

I want you to want to do all of these things. 

I want you to want me. 

I want you.

Is that selfish? Of course it is.
But maybe God is selfish too because he created us to love him. He wants us to love him and that’s not a bad thing, right?

I don’t even want you to love me, not yet, I just want you to like me. That’s not too much to ask. 

The ugly truth about cheating

Ok, let's be straight up here. I'm going to give my opinion on this subject - that doesn't mean that what I'm going to say is right, it only means that I think it's right. 
I'm not going to go into how horrible cheating is or whether I think that people who cheat should be castrated, I'm only going to speak about the difference between when a man does it and when a woman does it; from what I've observed, there is a general difference.


This is a very confusing topic for me, especially when I look at men who cheat. I have seen men who love their girlfriends more than anything go astray. And one might argue that if they really loved them that much, they would have stayed faithful, but the more I observe, the more I've come to realise that love has nothing to do with it. We all hurt people we love at one point or another - even the person you love most in the world. So it becomes a question of other things, simpler things, sometimes even a combination of simpler things. And the beauty of the situation is that men have this ability to separate emotions and physical activity e.g. sex. 
That is why a man can engage in physical activity with a woman and feel absolutely nothing for her, and continue to love someone else. Having an affair is different because it's ongoing and pre-meditated, but I'm talking about purely in-the-moment/i-had-a-temporary-lapse-in-my-ability-to-think-straight cheating. Quite frankly, most men have cheated at least once in their lives. And I know they say (whoever "they" is) 'once a cheater, always a cheater' but I think it's possible for a man to just make a mistake and never do it again. Not everyone has to be a chronic cheater/asshole. And another fact - even good men cheat. In fact, even the best men cheat. And so cheating on your partner does not define who you are as a person, depending on the circumstances, it can just be a mistake. People make even bigger mistakes everyday. 
Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing this just because I'm explaining it, but sometimes you just have to see things for exactly what they are and NOT what you think they should be because social norms influence your opinions. That means judging every situation individually and differently. And it's so quick and easy to judge someone else without ever having been in that situation yourself. 
Quite frankly, if I had to choose (and I hope I never do), I would rather have a man who kissed/slept with a random woman once and never did it again than a man who remained physically faithful to me but was talking to someone everyday online. Why? Well he's clearly established some sort of connection with her, and therefore, relationship. Emotions will get involved and if they ever did anything physically, that would most definitely turn into an affair. We don't want to deal with an affair. No. 


I'm not being misogynistic here, but when women cheat, in my opinion, it should be slightly less forgivable and more of a big deal. I'm saying this because I am a woman and therefore can give my opinion from the perspective of owning a vagina. Women are generally less spontaneous when it comes to sexual promiscuity as we have more self-control than men. We might not always exercise this gift, but we posses it. We have the ability to think first before we make bad decisions, even when extremely intoxicated. If a woman has cheated, it's most probably pre-planned, and that's quite worrying. Of course, there are exceptions, and sometimes there are cases where they just had a "man-moment" but most of the time, they are fully aware of what they are doing because they've probably been thinking about it for a while; you already know it's going to happen long before it happens. 


Basically, human beings are selfish. We are so selfish. We are willing to risk it all just to get what we want in that moment in time. Just to feel something different, just to feel something good. We will convince ourselves that we're not bad people to get what we want and continue to justify ourselves afterwards. That's just a thing we do, a thing we all do and so you need to climb down from your self-riteous horse, build yourself a bridge and get over it (I'm not talking to anyone in particular). 

Unlock your heart

I know I’m not supposed to talk about it - I’m not even supposed to think about it in case someone reads my mind but I can’t help it. Or maybe I don’t want to help it. 

I’m still not sorry, 

I still don’t regret it and even if I had a time machine, I wouldn’t undo what you did. In fact, I’d go back and make it happen again – how awful is that? I am the epitome of selfish. Somehow I think that only means that I’m the epitome of human so don’t judge me. I know you’re not judging me though, you’re judging yourself. You’re confused. You’re finding things out about yourself that you didn’t know were inside you in the first place. You’re lying to yourself, you’re pushing it all underneath the carpet, and you’re contradicting your beliefs but convincing yourself that you are remorseful. Are you really sorry? And if so, what are you sorry about? Everything? Or only some things? 

I see so many unsaid words in your eyes when you talk to me. In fact, I see a lot of things when you talk to me, I just don’t understand what they are. I can’t read you all and I’m scared that if I try, I’ll get it completely wrong. So I look down at my feet…


...and you notice. I look away and you notice. I smile, and you notice. I frown and you notice. You notice when I’m in deep thought, when I’m daydreaming, when I’m being judgemental, when I’m angry, sad, ecstatic. You even pick up my most subtle glances. I used to think that I was deceptive when it came to my emotions but you see through me so easily, I might as well be made of glass, and that both scares me and intrigues me. And I have to ask myself, are you good at observing people in general, or are you just good at observing me?

You’re making my brain fuzzy. I’m incapable of using sophisticated vocabulary. What have you done to me? I can’t like you – there are so many reasons, too many reasons why I can’t like you. I disagree with so many of your opinions, and you’re so stubborn, so very stubborn. So many reasons but still, I want to be around you all the time. All the time. And when I’m around you, I feel like I can be myself, but at the same time, you make me watch myself. And I know it’s a cliché but it’s never been so true - you make me want to be a better person. You don’t make me want to change who I am, but you make me want to be the best version of myself I can be. Why do I feel like I do the opposite for you; I feel like I bring out the side of you that you detest the most. I wish you could see that it’s not a crime to be human, to truly be human. I wish you could practise what you preach. I wish that you could let go a little without drowning in guilt afterward.

It doesn’t have to be this hard. Just take my hand and I’ll show you

Drama will find you.

What have I done? What have we done? I promised myself – however half-heartedly – that these days were over. I wanted to change, I wanted to prove to myself that I could change, that I could be better. That I deserved better. I do deserve better, don’t I? Why are human beings so selfish? Maybe we do live in the present too much, maybe we do seize the moment too much. Maybe we should take a little bit more time to think about the consequences, to think about tomorrow. Because tomorrow will come, and when it does, you’re going to have to try and fix something that technically isn’t broken and everything is going to change even though you swore to yourself that you would never let that happen. You swore a lot of things to yourself though, so it’s just another promise you didn’t keep. Why? Because you don’t have control anymore, you gave it all away. You gave it ALL away.

Now you’re left with nothing.

And what of the broken-hearted who don't know yet that their hearts are broken - and that you are indirectly responsible? What about them? What about you? How are you going to fix it? Is ignorance bliss? Or is honesty the best policy, even if it means you might lose it all? You've unknowingly created a situation where you have to make choices. So many choices. And I - I have been in this situation too many times to know exactly how it will pan out. I know exactly what you're going to say, what you're going to do, so you don't have to utter a single word. 

But why am I never the choice. I want to be the chosen one for once. 

Oh I can’t say no to something sweet

But it’s not what I need

You keep feeding me when I’m not hungry

– Lovely Morning by Room 11

Numb.

I'm just typing for the sake of it. I guess today, I'm not emotionally distraught/damaged. I'm not ecstatic or angry or sad about anything, which is nice. It's so nice to have a break from the drama. It's so nice to give your heart a break. 


This heart of mine, just when I think she's immune to heartbreak, that she's strong enough to close herself off, she goes and cracks right open surprising everyone, especially me. All the love came pouring out. Love that I didn't know was in there - I didn't know it was possible to have so much. Uncontrollable hemorrhaging - it was messy. There was nowhere to put the contents and no way to hide the damage. Everyone could see, everyone - especially you. But I shielded your eyes to the best of my abilities and eventually, spilt emotions were cleaned off the floor. We stitched up those wounds and moved on because that's the way it should be. And I don't intend on ever looking back. 

My Favourite Music Videos (some of them)

Don't you just love that feeling you get when you absolutely LOVE a song and then the music video is released and it makes you love that song even more. Even harder. Even better. 
Or sometimes, you don't even like a song but you find yourself somehow obsessed and completely immersed in the music video. The video doesn't even have to be an artistic masterpiece or thought provoking. It doesn't have to have had a huge budget, mind-blowing special effects or men with with bodies that have been sculpted out of stone. It just has to capture you.


Here is my (incomplete) list of music videos that activate my reward pathway or just simply intrigue me to the point that I will always watch them all the way through. 


In no particular order: 


Roses - Outkast
The first time I heard this song was also the first time I watched the video. I was hooked. 

Favourite part - The end when Caroline is taken away by the obnoxious hipster. Hilarious.






Promises - Badly Drawn Boy
I can't change the channel when this is on, those lights are absolutely mesmerising. And I love how they also light up in time to the music.

Favourite part - how as the song progresses, the number of lights increases as well as the frequency with which they light up. Everything is in sync.






Soon We'll Be Found - Sia
Personally I find all her videos noteworthy and her Breathe Me video was especially creative, but this one is my favourite. I absolutely love the use of sign-language with the white painted hands.

Favourite part - when she is with the group of people. It's interesting to note the different emotions of everyone's face and I find them incredibly believable. 






Dream On - Robyn 
For me, this is quite a powerful song. It wasn't just a typical "bringing all the outcasts together" type of song, I felt like she really meant every word she sang. The video just added to the message of the song and if you stick with it all the way through, it really plays on your mind.

Favourite part - the end, of course. When you find out that you have wrongly judged every single person in this video, something we do in our lives every single day.








Raise The Roof - Tracy Thorn
This is one of the cutest videos I have ever seen, and I mean that in the least condescending way. It's a simple story - boy and girl meeting for the first time in person, but it's the actors who really make this one special. They really are a perfect match for each other AND those red flats with that yellow dress makes my tingle inside.

Favourite part - obviously the end when they come together with their cute, quirky dance moves and almost kiss - but don't. Perfect.






Power - Kanye West
Of course only Kanyeezy would be as arrogant and brave enough to create a 90 second 'moving painting' inspired by Michelangelo's frescos in the Sistine Chapel. I think it's both beautiful and effective.

Favourite part: the whole thing. 






Call Your Girlfriend - Robyn
If I could, I'd put every single Robyn video in this list. Major girl-crush alert. Her dancing in this video makes me feel the need to question my sexuality. The way she moves is unlike anything or anyone I have ever seen before, she has her own style and she owns it completely.

Favourite part - when she first starts dancing and does that slide/walk thing across the floor. Gives me shivers every time.







Wannabe - Spice Girls
Come on, how can you not love everything about this song and video. The enthusiasm, the fashion, the fact that there were apparently no bras in the 90s. It's just too good.

Favourite part - it's hard to choose but I'm gonna go with Mel C's backflip on the table.






I Feel Better - Hot Chip
The first time I saw this video, I was utterly confused and somewhat disturbed, but I loved it. What's not to love about it? A strange, bald man gobbling up a boy band and a scary, evil fat man at the end. Classic. And did I mention that this is one of my favourite songs as well?

Favourite part - when the boy band return and dance with creepy bald guy. There's something about those beige suits.






Single Ladies - Beyonce
Do you have any idea how hard it was to just choose one Beyonce video? Do you? The woman is a goddess. This video is the perfect example of the phrase "less is more". Such simplicity but such effectiveness. Truthfully I didn't even like the song, but the minute I saw this video, I was hooked. The choreography paired with the monochromatic theme makes it perfect.

Favourite part - really? You're going to make me choose? Okay, I'm gonna go with the little cheeky/devious smile at the end. *goosebumps*






This too shall pass - Ok Go
Okay I know I said that this list wasn't in any particular order, but this is definitely one of the best music videos of all time. Just think of how much work and dedication went into building this Rube Goldberg machine, and the pressure on the camera man to get it right in one shot. I could go on and on...

Favourite part - not really a particular part but I love how in some instances, things seem to be happening in perfect time with the song itself. The precision gives me shivers. 






On To The Next One - Jay-Z ft. Swizz Beats
I love the song. I love the imagery. I love the fact that it's in black and white. Most of all I love the fact that it doesn't fall into the stereotype if being a "typical rap music video". It's classy and creative. Some people think it has evil/illuminati symbolism in it but personally, I'm not into all that hype. The video is what it is, let's not over analyze.  

Favourite part - so many, so many. I love the drummer and the girl who dances on top of the cases. 






Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
Speaking of illuminati symbolism, there was a lot of hype surrounding this video for that very reason. I just love absolutely everything about this video from the choreography to the costumes. I also love the fact it has a story that actually makes sense and progresses, and not only that, but it links in well with the lyrics of the song. We all know Lady Gaga doesn't do that very often. 

Favourtie part - I don't know why but it's when she's stood still in the waterfall of diamonds. I love the pose, I love the elegance.






Sadness Is A Blessing - Lykke Li
Like Robyn, Lykke Li has a very unique and distinct dance style which I can't get over. She's so beautiful and talented. I love how this video has the ability to make you feel both uncomfortable and sad at the same time. I feel as if I'm in that restaurant observing her cry for attention first hand.

Favourite part - her dancing, of course.






Dirrty - Christina Aguilera
Some people were ecstatic, others were disgusted, but everyone was definitely shocked at Christina's transformation in this video. She pushed the boundaries with her raw sexuality and provocative dance moves. To this day I'm still in love with this video - this is my favourite Christina.

Favourite part - the choreography of the second verse. I could watch that over and over again.






All The Lovers - Kylie Minogue
There's something euphoric about watching a sea of people dance on top of each other in white underwear. For some reason I love music video's with swarms of couples engaging in PDA in the middle of the street, no matter how strange that sounds, it makes me incredibly happy.

Favourite part - when everyone sways their arms in unison. It makes my heart flutter just a little bit.






Doo-Wop (That Thing) - Lauryn Hill
I've always loved this video. I think the split screen comparison of two different decades is ingenious and is executed perfectly. 

Favourite part - I don't really have one but Lauryn's 60s hairstyle is brilliant.






Bonus video:
Heavy On My Heart - Anastasia
I'm not ashamed to say that I may have teared up a little the first time I watched this video. I just found it so incredibly sad and heartbreaking. It wouldn't be right if I didn't include it.

Favourite part - I don't know if it's my favourite part but the tears definitely start rolling as they're being burnt into one in the fire. 




And that's it for now. I will probably do a part two at some point.

The Dementor's Kiss

So sometimes my blog becomes my diary. This is partly due to the fact that I now find it much easier to type instead of write and partly because I believe that no one actually reads this. And if people ever start to read this, hopefully whatever I'm writing about now will have become irrelevant by then. I've just realised how long it takes me to get to my point. Prolixity Tash, prolixity.

So how did one of the happiest weeks I've had in a long time turn into a black pit filled with venemous reptiles? A little bit melodramatic, I know, but when you're on the verge of losing a seven year friendship due to extreme stupidity on both parts and you don't know if you'll ever be able to get it back, I think you have the right to be whatever you want to be. So I'm going to say yes, it feels like my heart is actually, physically breaking because it hurts that much. And yes, it feels as if I won't be happy again for a very long time. I'll even go one step further and say that I feel as if a dementor is sucking everything good out of me right now and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can keep going, but I won't.

Words, my favourite weapon to use based on effectiveness and ability to manipulate emotions.
One day, my inability to shut my mouth is going to be my downfall. I find it incredibly difficult to hide my feelings and opinions, not to mention the fact that I have to be right all the time. If you've done or said something to me that I don't like, I'm going to have to tell you. And not in a simple, polite way - it has to be hard-hitting, assertive and it has to completely trump any counter argument you have. It has to be absolute. Partly because I have pride and intimacy issues and partly because I want you to feel the same way you've made me feel and I know I have the power to do that in a single sentence.

But why do we feel the need to hurt the people we love the most? I used to think it was only you who did that, but now I see just how guilty I am too. It's disgusting.
And why do I always seem to push away the people I actually want most in my life whenever I'm going through a rough patch? Why do people do that? Surely that's when I need them the most, right? Is it because I don't want them to see me when I'm weak and vulnerable? I must always be strong in their eyes. Or is it because I just need space to deal with whatever I'm going through without the added pressure of having to keep up appearances. Or maybe we're throwing ourselves a pity party and making it clear that no one else is invited, but we really just want them to gate-crash. Maybe pushing people out is a way of telling them that you want them to fight their way back in so you can gain back even a tiny bit of self-worth that you have lost. You want reassurance because you are insecure.

So maybe I wanted you to fight for me just a little bit more, just a little bit harder, just a little bit longer. I wanted to be sure that you really meant what you said and so I needed proof. You were doing so well, you were almost in the green zone before you quit. Three-quaters of the way - what a wasted effort.

So is this where this war of words ends? Of course I had to have the final say but I have a feeling that this time, I pierced right through to that magnificent four-chambered organ of yours and mercilessly twisted. Is it too late to pray that I've missed? Is it too late to do anything to fix this?

What have I done.

Right Now

So the sh*t finally hit the fan. I knew it was coming, I expected it because if there's one thing I've learnt in my 21 years, it is to always trust your instincts, especially as a woman. No matter how much you want something not to be true, if you feel it in your gut, it's most probably true. 
Still, it doesn't make it hurt any less. Actually, I'm lying there - it did hurt less when I finally found out because I think I'd had all this time to subconsciously prepare for it. I wish I didn't have to find out at all. Better still, I wish there was nothing to find out. Do you know what I really wish? I wish you were smart enough and skilled enough to build a machine that would defy the rules of time so you could go back and not do what you did, because apologising now isn't doing anything for me. Sorry doesn't fit in my pocket. However, that's me putting faith in you (once again) and believing that given a second chance, you would say no. Given a second chance, you would think of me first and decide that you weren't going to risk losing me for personal gain. That's what you're making me believe right now as the tears stream down your cheeks, tears that you claim you have never given to anyone else. Well how do you think I feel knowing that all you can give me is tears? And still, I take your tears and they break my heart. 
You think I'm a strong person, but I am weak when it comes to you. Weak. Broken. Vulnerable. Willing. Ashamed to admit that I not only want you in my life, but I feel like I need you. 
How did this happen? How did closing myself off to love, locking my heart away, keeping my distance, backfire in my face? I think that as I was hiding my love away from other people for so long, I was unknowingly giving it to you thinking you'd keep it safe for me. And you don't know what to do with it sometimes so you neglect it. You forget to take it out of your pocket when you put your jeans in the machine. You leave it for days without food. You lose it. You ignore it. You forget about it, but you never once let it go. You always come back to it and swear that this time, you'll take care of it, and like a new pet, it gets your utmost care and attention for a short while and then the novelty wears off. 
I have no choice but to take it back if you're not going to look after it properly.
And yes, I'll admit, you're doing a great job so far this time around, so great that I don't actually know where this is going. So great that you're messing with my head with the things you say. And I really don't want to ruin the moment but I have to ask - is this out of love or guilt?

The Whole Truth

It's time for some honesty.

 *deep breath*...

I love you. I really, really love you.

A lot. 

Maybe even too much, because believe me when I say that there is nothing you can do to ever change that. 

I am stuck to you like an incredibly effective super glue. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say to make me love you any less, and I also cannot possibly love you any more than I already do. 

If my love for you was plotted on a graph with ‘time’ on the x-axis and ‘amount of love’ on the y-axis, this is what you would see: A steady increase followed by a steep incline, and then a plateau up to this moment. There can be no more increase, my love has reached its peak. My heart is fully saturated. No, in fact, it’s overflowing – it’s practically pouring out of me but the supply is endless. Do you understand what I’m trying to say? 

There are times when I don’t even know how l got to this point, but then I think of you and it becomes so obvious. You know how most of the time when you love someone, you don’t really know why? Well, I know exactly why I feel the way I do about you because when I look at you, it is staring me straight in the face. 
First of all, and most importantly, I see a good heart. I see kindness, loyalty, confidence but not arrogance, strength but with enough fragility to be malleable and flexible, pride but not so much that you build walls around you. I see all my own morals and values mirrored in you. I see everything that I love most in the world in you; if they took away everything good in the world and left me with you, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference – that’s what I mean. Your flaws are just miniscule anomalies to me. They don’t really affect the final result. Every time I’m around you my pupils dilate, there’s an influx of dopamine and norepinephrine released into my brain, like you have no idea. My body is telling me that I should procreate with you because my offspring need half of your genes. To go against that feels like going against nature.

To finish off, I would just like you to know that it would be convenient if I could have you in my life for at least forever. I love being in your presence – even if we’re not talking, not touching, not even looking at each other, I’m just happy to bask in your aura. I could actually just be around you for the rest of my life, just sit by your side, just as long as I could be next to you because that’s how amazing you are in my eyes.

Now love me back.

Maybe I'm just a little bit in love with you...

Feel.

No really, I’m okay. 
I really am. 
Well actually, I don’t know, I think I’m okay. I feel okay.
It’s hard to tell at this point because I feel like a grenade. Actually no, I feel more like one of those big, explosive ball type things with spikes that you find chilling out in the ocean just waiting for something to hit them hard enough that they explode. What are they called again? Naval mines, I think. Yes, that’s it. That’s how I feel. I feel that there’s a possibility (a very high one) that I may blow up if the right amount of force is applied…but then again, I also may never blow up. However, they have an inability to leave me alone. They can see that I’m dangerous and unstable, but they’re always poking me, prodding me, pushing me to the edge. They want me to detonate.