Christian Grey

I feel like this feeling was never there before but now I definitely feel something. And I don’t know what it is. I’ve never known what it is with you, but you’ve always been something. Always been there, year after year. We get older but feelings never age. Feelings never leave. Feelings never change. 

Always a spark, never a flame. 

Always a graze but never in pain. 

Always the same. 

Until now.

What is this?

We’ve always been a blur. We’ve always been so grey. I’ve never been able to think past the now.

What would we be like?

Would we love each other or kill each other?

Or both?

Could we ever be something other than what we are right now?

Grey.

It’s always grey.

Even now, with hints of colour it’s hard to form a clear picture.

Colours formed in ecstasy.

Colours formed from pleasure.

These colours were always coming.

Now they’re here but they’re not enough.

But this was always the danger, wasn’t it? That we’d never be satisfied with what we had when we got it.

I can’t be the only one who wants more.

But more of what?

More colours?

More texture?

More canvas?

Just more.

And I’m trying, I’m trying so hard to close my mind to these pointless thoughts that can never be satisfied but I still feel you through the dimensions of time and space and you feel so whole. So tangible. So strong.
This was inevitable

Because you left me behind.

You left me behind with my thoughts and bad habits.

Strong as I’ve become, my emotions are stronger.

Strong as they are, they are always too late.

Barriers

No x100

This is not what I wanted at all.

Why are you doing this to me?

I wish I could turn back time and block my ears so hard that I that I made myself deaf to your confessions. Looking back I wish I had sung over the top of your feelings so I wouldn’t have to hear.

Then I wouldn’t have to deal.

Then I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit-storm.

And yes, I know, I’m making this all about me right now when it’s supposed to be about you 

and your emotions 

and your maturity 

and your fucking evolution. 

And yes I know how hard it was for you.

And yes I know that you were naked and vulnerable and open. 

But I don't know what to do with that. 

You say you’re ready. You say you’re ready to give 100% and that’s great. But I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve your 100% right now because I’m not willing to give anywhere near that.

And I don’t know why - don’t ask me why.

I don’t know anything really so I don’t know why you’re putting me on this pedestal. Take me down. Take me down now.

You think you know who I am but you don’t. I’m not as amazing, or strong, or sure of myself as you think I am. And I definitely don’t know what I want. I hardly know what I don’t want.

Maybe I don’t want anything because I was fine with what I had. What we had.

I was comfortable. I was happy. I was selfish.

But why do you have to go and be so black and white? Why can’t you be grey with me? 

And fluid? 

And confused? 

Because that’s what feelings are. 

Don’t ask me to fucking choose between A and B because I don’t want everything. I definitely don’t want nothing. Why can’t we just have a little bit of something?

I don’t wanna lose you. Everything looks so blurry without you. Everything feels so wrong. I don’t even know why I feel so sad. You’re doing something to me that I’m not comfortable with. I feel out of control. And I don’t know whether to be honest or selfless. And there’s so much I need to get out but the words are caught in my throat. And there’s so much I need you to know but you need to read my mind because I physically cannot express myself.

I don’t know how to feel, what to do, when to go. I don’t know anything.

Maybe I’m scared.

Maybe I’m..

Don't go

Wait.

Please wait for me.

Is it unfair of me to ask that of you? Probably. 

Would I do the same for you if you asked? Definitely.

What started out as nothing very suddenly turned into something. Gradually we became something more. Eventually, we’re supposed to be everything…I thought you wanted that too. 

If I look inside, really look inside at how I feel, everything is mixed up, floating around making me feel sick.

I’m angry. I’m angry because I feel humiliated. I’m angry because you’re giving up, not giving in. I’m angry because you may never have been there in the first place. I’m angry because I thought I was different in your eyes because you treated me like I was. I’m angry at you for the way you treat me now – like I’m regular, normal, common.  I’m angry because I feel replaced. I’m angry because you won’t admit it. Just admit it. I’m angry that I’m being ignored which is worse than being told to my face. I’m so angry. At you. At me. At us.

I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in you. In your will power, in your determination, in your lack of commitment. I’m disappointed in me – in my blindness, in my trust, in my naivety. I’m disappointed in my dreams, my dreams of us. I’m disappointed in us because I thought we were stronger than this. I thought we were better than this. You made me feel like we were greater than this. I’m disappointed in myself for letting you make me feel things.

I feel helpless because I can’t fix this. I feel out of control. I feel stupid and small. Insignificant even. Don’t want to seem desperate but that’s how I feel. I don’t want you to see inside me now. There was a time when I would have opened up myself to you in a heartbeat, invited you to live inside me, but now the thought gives me shivers. I don’t want you to see inside me now. I’m too weak.

And I miss you. Oh, how I miss you. I finally understand what it means to long for someone. I’ve always embraced that. I’ve always been open in that. Not anymore. I would hate for you to know my suffering. You can never know how much I feel.  You are not ready. But I was willing to wait. I was willing to wait until you were ready, until you understood, until you could handle me. Am I too much? Is that it? Am I not enough…

We spent so long somewhere between nothing and something that by the time I realised I was falling, it was too late. And there you were, falling for someone else. Or something else. Or nothing. I don’t even know what’s worse at this point; all I know is that I want you to come back. I want you to fall hard, so hard that you break…and everything comes spilling out. Or wait for me to come back and we’ll fall together. I want you to fall with me.

I want you to wait for me.  

Please wait for me.