You again.

I’ve tried. Lord knows, I’ve tried.

Maybe I just haven’t tried hard enough, but I just can’t seem to stop myself from hating you. Ok, hate is a strong word…so then it might be appropriate in this case because I feel very strongly about you. Am I capable of hate? I never, ever dreamed that I would be. This is the longest time that I’ve ever kept such negative feelings towards someone in my life. This is completely out of character for me, I don’t hold grudges – forgive and forget – that’s what my mother taught me. But I’ve tried numerous times to forgive and since I can’t forget, I don’t think I can completely forgive.

And I’m so angry. After all this time, I’m still boiling.

i.am.livid.

The thought of you parading around my world – MY friends and MY family – disgusts me. It absolutely irks me to think about you snaking yourself all over him again. And will he fall for you again? Will he make his choice this time? And will I be left out in the cold? Or rather pushed into the fire.

But you haven’t seen the fire like the one in my heart, you don’t even know what I am capable of, I don’t even know. All I know is that I will not lose to you. If you can take it to the next level, well then believe me when I say that I can step it the fuck up. You will get burnt.

“Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred turned/ Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."

All the humiliation, the hurt, the confusion – it’s all still there, in my memories, in my nightmares, in the core of my soul. Impossible to turn out, emotions grow like cancer and feed on my positivity like parasites. But don’t flatter yourself, you are in no way strong enough to even penetrate my outer most barriers, the only reason you’re in so deep is because of him. I let him in and you attached yourself like a leech and now I can’t get rid of you.

And they ask me why I feel this way. Why am I such a monster? Why am I such an unforgiving, heartless bitch?
Why, why, why?

I’ll tell you.

What you did with him was merely the icing on the cake, a catalyst in the end of our friendship (I use the term ‘friendship’ very generously). What you did to me is unforgivable. Women are supposed to look out for each other, be there for each other, but instead we push each other face first into the dirt. Hard.
If only you knew how easy it would have been for me to forgive you and see things from your point of view because the person who was really to blame was him. We could have turned it around on him, you and me. We could have taken him down. We’re so strong, we’re so similar, we were both feeling the same kind of heartbreak. We could have been unstoppable. But you chose him over me. You kept me in the dark when I kept you in the light. You made sure I was powerless because you are selfish. 
You are insecure and naïve. 
You are insincere, deceitful and devious. 
How far will that get you, sweetheart? 
How about you earn yourself a little bit of dignity, loyalty and self-respect. The whole world isn’t out to get you, you’re out to get yourself.

And now it’s too late. He’s won. We let him win.

Aberdeen to London with Him

As I sat there contemplating the extent of my anxiety, we took off, and so did my soul. I was flying internally, rising effortlessly towards a great form that I was no longer afraid of. It seemed endless, that grey mass, as if we would ascend for all eternity until suddenly we broke through the barrier of heaven. The brightness of the sun was blinding and startling but as my pupils constricted and took in the surrounding view, my heart stopped.

This was God.

He was here.

Any remaining doubts were eradicated so violently that I thought I might die if I didn’t catch my breath immediately. But today was not my day. There is no way that one can even begin to feel the outlines of death when you are suspended there, between heaven and earth, which by the second, seemed to become less like two separate entities and one real existence. And in that moment I knew that He was with me. I felt it. I felt it in everything that I am because the purest part of me is everything that He is. I am a subset of Him and he is a part of me. Made in his image, imperfectly perfect, bound together forever but the ultimate sacrifice but I’m not complaining because these bonds are the bonds of life. Not oppression, or restraint, or unwillingness – they bare no similarities with anything man could begin to fathom. They are the representation of everything good, everything real, and without them I am nothing. These bonds are the Love of Christ and to cut myself off would mean cutting myself off from everything that goes hand in hand with love. Love is God and God is Love and therefore the opposite of love is not hate, it is an unconceivable emptiness…it is nothing. And that is why without Him, again, I am nothing. My life would become a meaningless vacuum; not even the light of day would be able to penetrate its circumference. Even now as I sit here, putting my trust in the hands of men just like me, I remind myself whose hands I’m really in. Who is guiding me, moving me, watching me always. ALWAYS. I am not alone and I know I never will be because I know that the question is not in his existence or presence, it is not even in mine, for His Love is so great, it cannot be confined to trivial ideas such as life or time. He loved me before I was here and He will love me after I have gone because he is the Lord. If you have ever been down on your knees, in the darkest of corners, being suffocated by sufferings that you feel will surely consume you, trust me when I say – you will call out to Him. You will seek Him. Even when you are just pleading to the night, you are talking to Him and he is listening because he is Lord. And no one can tell me otherwise, not one of you separate or combined could shake or break my faith. Don’t tell me that I believe in the unknown, in things that don’t exist because I’m incapable of hearing you or understanding you. To me, you are the illogical one, because the way I feel is so powerful, I could reach out and touch it. “Don’t you need proof?”, you ask. I have proof. It’s in everything that is.