No x100
This is not what I wanted at all.
Why are you doing this to me?
I wish I could turn back time and block my ears so
hard that I that I made myself deaf to your confessions. Looking back I wish I
had sung over the top of your feelings so I wouldn’t have to hear.
Then I wouldn’t have to deal.
Then I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit-storm.
And yes, I know, I’m making this all about me right
now when it’s supposed to be about you
and your emotions
and your maturity
and
your fucking evolution.
And yes I know how hard it was for you.
And yes I know that you were naked and vulnerable and open.
But I don't know what to do with that.
You say you’re ready. You say you’re ready to give 100% and
that’s great. But I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve your 100% right now
because I’m not willing to give anywhere near that.
And I don’t know why - don’t ask me why.
I don’t know anything really so I don’t know why
you’re putting me on this pedestal. Take me down. Take me down now.
You think you know who I am but you don’t.
I’m not as amazing, or strong, or sure of myself as you think I am. And I
definitely don’t know what I want. I hardly know what I don’t want.
Maybe I don’t want anything because I was fine with
what I had. What we had.
I was comfortable. I was happy. I was selfish.
But why do you have to go and be so black and white?
Why can’t you be grey with me?
And fluid?
And confused?
Because that’s what
feelings are.
Don’t ask me to fucking choose between A and B because I don’t
want everything. I definitely don’t want nothing. Why can’t we just have a
little bit of something?
I don’t wanna lose you. Everything looks so blurry
without you. Everything feels so wrong. I don’t even know why I feel so sad.
You’re doing something to me that I’m not comfortable with. I feel out of
control. And I don’t know whether to be honest or selfless. And there’s so much
I need to get out but the words are caught in my throat. And there’s so much I
need you to know but you need to read my mind because I physically cannot
express myself.
I don’t know how to feel, what to do, when to go. I don’t
know anything.
Maybe I’m scared.
Maybe I’m..
