Why, Internet, why?

I’m finding it incredibly hard to sit here and not say anything at all about this Laci Green debacle. It feels like I woke up today and the Internet failed me. For the first time in my life, Tumblr has failed me, and yes, I’m taking it very personally even though this isn’t about me at all.  For those of you who don’t know, Laci Green is a video blogger who puts up very informative and educational videos about sex-positivity/sexuality/body confidence. She has helped a lot of people open up and created a platform where people can openly discuss subjects that are generally still considered taboo in society. She was recently forced to take a break from the Internet by people who issued her death threats and seemed to know her exact address somehow. They also posted aerial pictures of her home. Yep.

My thoughts are all muddled up but I’d still like to address a few things:

1)    Laci Green is a human being (shocking, I know). Human beings, as you know, are not perfect. They make mistakes. Laci was asked by someone why she used an offensive slur commonly used to define Transgender people in a derogatory way in a video. Laci has apologised for that, which by the way, was in a video that she made 3 years ago. And no, not in the “I’m sorry if I offended you but deal with it” kind of way, in a genuine “I know what I did was wrong and I’m genuinely sorry” kind of way. Take a look. How is this in any way a half-apology?

“Probably because I was 18 and ignorant. You are totally right and I sincerely apologize for my mistake. Before I educated myself about trans issues I had not the slightest inkling of how the word is used to dehumanize nor its place in the cycle of violence against transfolk. Now I have seen people hurt by it and seen it used as a nasty slur. Words have power, and ‘tranny’ is not a word for anybody but transfolk themselves to use because only they can reclaim it.  If I knew that was in a video, it would have been long long ago removed. Consider it banished forever.”


Laci has also been accused of making Anti-Islamic and Fat-shaming videos as well, which have apparently angered some people. I have not seen these videos so I can’t really comment on them but I have heard that she spoke about HER personal experiences concerning Islam and oppression. I do know that Laci ALWAYS promotes body-confidence and body-positivity so I find it really hard to believe that she would make videos shaming bigger people. Regardless though, people have to understand that everyone thinks about the world differently and people have DIFFERENT opinions. They express things differently, you can’t please everyone and someone, somewhere is going to be really offended by the tone in which you said something. This cannot be helped. I know this seems like a really simple thing to say but I feel like some people need to be reminded of this. By creating a situation where someone is forced to remove themselves from a setting due to safety concerns, how is she supposed to defend herself and discuss this matter in a civilized manner? It is NOT OKAY to make her feel threatened. It is NOT OKAY that vloggers – especially female vloggers – still have to deal with this kind of thing everyday (threats/stalking). And yes, the majority of the time, it does happen to women so YES I’m pulling that card.

2)    People are up in arms because when John Green came to her defence, he used the T-word/T-slur when explaining the situation. They said he had no right to and that they were disappointed in him etc. without stopping to think about the context in which he used it. Like John Green explained, it would have been impossible for him to explain the situation to people who didn’t know what was going on or who had never heard of the term before – it was an aid in understanding only. It was in quotation marks. I’m not saying it’s not an offensive word, I am saying that it was not meant in an offensive way. I am a woman of colour and I would not be offended if someone was to use the N-word in the context that John did. Some people have to understand that not everyone is familiar with the terms and vocabulary that are second nature to you and a couple of people on Tumblr have a certain sense of self-righteousness that quickly transforms into intolerance for all kinds of ignorance on subjects that they seem to know everything about. My friend Andrew put it perfectly:

Up until about 6 months ago, give or take, I had no fucking clue about any of these terms:

•    cis

•    cissexist

•    transphobic

•    ableism

•    privilege (in this context)

And yet I feel like I still wasn’t ignorant at all, or a bad person. Tumblr has created an

environment that breeds hyper-socially-aware teenagers with little to no experience of any of these things irl, which breeds ignorance about ignorance. It’s such a fascinating paradox to me that these people who are so involved with and owe so much to the proliferation of these terms, are so protective of them and deal with ignorance about them in such a completely inappropriate and hateful way.

3)    And then comes the issue of privilege. I’ve read a lot of posts in which people have stated that the only reason that people are so upset about this ordeal is because Laci is a “thin, pretty, white, cis-gendered woman” and that it was therefore inevitable that John Green (a “white, cis-gendered male”) would rush to her defence. White people defending White people. What about the misrepresented people of colour, Transgender people, Muslim people who have had to deal with death threats and abuse everyday. No one ever rushed to their side to defend them but everyone’s all over this Laci thing because she’s white. I have to say, I more than a lot of people understand why people could be upset about feeling like they are once again not being heard and being overshadowed by a “privileged white girl” but I really don’t think that this is so much to do with race or being 'cis' as it does with exposure. Laci has hundreds of thousands of subscribers, millions of views on her videos and John Green knows her personally. He did not defend her because she’s White, he’s defending her because he sees the injustice and seriousness of what has happened to someone he knows, a fellow vlogger, regardless of who she is. I am a WOC and I don’t feel the need to ignore Laci because there are many of us that are misrepresented and unheard in society. I’m not defending Laci because she’s white, I’m defending her because I love her videos, I respect her as a fellow human being and woman and I think that the way she’s been treated is absolutely appalling. I have the right to defend whomever I want to. I will defend against any transphobic/islamophobic/anythingphobic posts/videos that I come across and I won’t have people sit there and ask me to justify myself. I won’t have people try and pressure me into thinking that some people deserve to be defended MORE than others because that’s completely hypocritical. A lot of posts that I’ve read are from angry, bitter, negative people who are doing absolutely NOTHING to better their own situations other than complain about privileged people. I do think that there are many bloggers/vloggers that need to have their voices heard and that have faced unacceptable forms of abuse online, but the answer is not to be nasty to Laci Green is it?

I understand where the people who are upset are coming from but I don’t agree with many of their reasons. I feel like a lot of people were just waiting for an opportunity to pounce, an outlet to express all their pent up frustrations and I really don’t think that this is the right platform. You’re not going to gain support and get yourself heard in a positive light by trashing other people and then promoting and image of positivity/feminism/anti-oppression etc. It just doesn’t make sense.

It's Not Enough.

So let’s jump right into it.

Jesus does not discuss sexual orientation and does not state that homosexuality is wrong so any Christian who tries to condemn gay people or bisexual people or anything in between using Jesus in the bible as a weapon is purely ignorant and incorrect. The bible does however, make a few references to relations between members of the same sex, that is undeniable, but just like most things in the bible, the meaning and conclusions have been interpreted in different ways. Leviticus 18:22 and Leviticus 20:13 are the two Bible verses which are most often cited as support for scriptural condemnation of homosexuality; the latter verse even demands that such behavior be punished by death. Both verses refer specifically to male homosexuality, but not female. Now let’s talk a little bit about Leviticus for a second. There are many things stated in Leviticus that Christians do not apply to their lives such as not eating pork, ritual washing of hands and making sure that priests are physically perfect before they serve God. 

Other things in the book include: the punishment for blasphemy is death by stoning (Lev 24:16),
a child who curses their parent will be put to death (Lev 20:9), locusts, beetles and grasshoppers are permissible food (Lev. 11:21) but not shellfish or mollusks (Lev. 11:10). Needless to say, many Christians (and churches) nowadays ignore these rules and do not consider them binding, so why are we choosing to oh-so-conveniently hold on to the one about homosexual relations? Seems a little hypocritical doesn’t it? Hmmm?

So you’re picking out one “sin” stated in the bible out of thousands and coming to your own conclusion about who God accepts and who he doesn’t. You’re also talking as if “gay people” are in a completely different species to “straight people”. Like, “let them do their thing and I’ll do mine, they’ll answer to God in the end.” Yes, they will answer to God in the end, but so will you. WE ARE ALL THE SAME. We are ALL sinners. We are all human and we are all supposed to look out for each other, look after each other, and most importantly, love each other. Why is it okay to only be passionate about spreading good in some aspects of society but not others? Quite frankly, there are a lot of questionable things in the bible that people choose to ignore because it does not fit in to how we would like to see the world and live our lives but we’ve chosen to take one thing and highlight it so that we can point fingers and cast people out as sinners because obviously that’s the Christian thing to do. It’s very Christian-like to judge and condemn isn’t it? Because Christians are perfect aren’t they? What happened to “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7). Oh forgot about that one didn’t we? I don’t think people who verbally and physically abuse and terrorise gay people are the Lord’s favourite people, do you? Especially since they do it in the name of God. For me, that’s the worst bit. If you’re going to act like the ultimate tool, don’t do it in God’s name. Don’t preach hatred and hostility in the name of the Lord. That is wrong in every way and there is no way you can justify yourself. It’s hypocrisy in its purest form and you should be ashamed to even call yourself a Christian because you obviously have no idea of even the definition of the name itself.

And then there are the people who don’t agree with homosexuality but accept the fact that you cannot tell people how to live their lives. No, it’s not enough. It’s not enough to just sit here and say “ Well, I have nothing against gay people and I even know some gay people but the bible says that acts of homosexuality is a sin so as long as they don’t act on their urges, they will still be accepted by God.” Or, “I don’t really care, it’s their sin to pay for, I just don’t want it involved in my life.” No. Listen to yourself and what you’re saying. Why do you think that by being indifferent, you are doing the right thing by God? Indifference is everything Jesus Christ was not, and is not. Do you think that by ignoring the homosexual community completely, you’re doing what God wants you to do? You’re a good person now, right? But by ignoring them, you are also ignoring the difficulties some people face every single day, the prejudice, the abuse, not to mention the more personal problems of confusion, fear of coming out, fear of being accepted, dealing with being considered different in the eyes of society. Are you going to turn a blind eye to that too? Are you going to overlook the hateful actions of your fellow “Christians” just because you’re not the one committing the acts? You may be comfortable with that, but I am definitely not. Christians are called upon to speak out against political, religious and social injustice against people. You wouldn’t turn a blind eye to sexism, racism, ageism, domestic and child abuse etc. so why would you think that homophobia is something you can ignore? That’s not right. I will not sit here and not have an opinion about this. I would want to know that if I were gay, my family and friends would fully accept me and so would my church because they would accept that it didn’t change the person I was. My sexuality does not define what type of person I am so stop acting like if gay people get married, we’re going to have a community of mass murderers and rapists on our hands. Love is the best thing a person can feel, it’s the best thing we can spread because from love, everything good is born. It is a human right for two consenting adults to be able to love each other without fear of condemnation purely based on the fact that they are of the same sex. Who are we to tell someone that they only way that God will love them is if they sacrifice their own happiness and chance at love just to please Him. No one truly knows what God wants but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want that. As Christians, we are supposed to spread God’s word, and bring more people into this beautiful world that is Christianity because we want people to feel how wonderful it is to bask in God’s light. How are we supposed to convince people of this if we continue to act the way we do? People are growing more and more resentful towards organised religion every day and to be completely honest, sometimes, I don’t blame them.

People don’t wake up in the morning and decide on what sexual orientation they’re going to explore that day, people do not choose their orientation, it just happens. People cannot help who they love. I can’t help who I love, just like how I can’t help what gender I’m born with, what dosage of hormones I get, how my body identifies itself. How privileged I am to be born so sure of my gender identity, expression, biological sex and sexual orientation. Life is simple for me because I belong to all the “socially accepted” groups in society. What about people who are a little bit more complex, a little bit further across the scales? What about androgynous people? What about intersex people? Gender and sexuality is complicated, and fluid, and ever changing and therefore confusing and what people need is support and acceptance instead of disapproval and opposition. Who do you think you are to sit there on your high horse and judge? “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.” (Romans 2:1)

Not everything in the bible or Christianity is black and white and things are open to interpretation which is why we have so many different denominations within Christianity. It is perfectly natural to question things, it is perfectly human to disagree with some things and it’s perfectly normal to have my own opinions about certain things. I could pretend right here that I agree whole heartedly with every aspect of my religion but that would be a lie and God knows what is truly in my heart so what is the point? All I can do is have faith in my certainty that Jesus Christ loves me for exactly who I am, and not who he thinks I should be. And not who YOU think I should be. He created me in his image and therefore I am already everything he wants me to be. He gave me free will which means he loves me even if I don’t think I love him back. He loves me regardless of who I love and who I want to spend the rest of my life with. He loves me whether I believe in his existence or not. He loves me with a completely open heart, with no conditions, deeper than I can comprehend and I know that at the end of the day, if I strive for my actions mirror those of Him and I do not seek to inflict harm on others, I will be welcome in His kingdom.

I don’t pretend to know the bible inside out – I have never read the bible in it’s entirety and I’m still learning things that I didn’t know myself. I am new to this game but at least I am willing to do the research and not resort myself to a life of ignorant hatefulness. I know that this is a topic that everyone will have differing opinions on and I cannot change people’s minds. There are many people who will jump at the opportunity to prove me wrong and put me down but I’m not really bothered. This MY opinion and it’s not going to change.

(Matthew 22:37) ...Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. (22:38) This is the first and great commandment. 
(22:39) And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
(22:40) On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

You again.

I’ve tried. Lord knows, I’ve tried.

Maybe I just haven’t tried hard enough, but I just can’t seem to stop myself from hating you. Ok, hate is a strong word…so then it might be appropriate in this case because I feel very strongly about you. Am I capable of hate? I never, ever dreamed that I would be. This is the longest time that I’ve ever kept such negative feelings towards someone in my life. This is completely out of character for me, I don’t hold grudges – forgive and forget – that’s what my mother taught me. But I’ve tried numerous times to forgive and since I can’t forget, I don’t think I can completely forgive.

And I’m so angry. After all this time, I’m still boiling.

i.am.livid.

The thought of you parading around my world – MY friends and MY family – disgusts me. It absolutely irks me to think about you snaking yourself all over him again. And will he fall for you again? Will he make his choice this time? And will I be left out in the cold? Or rather pushed into the fire.

But you haven’t seen the fire like the one in my heart, you don’t even know what I am capable of, I don’t even know. All I know is that I will not lose to you. If you can take it to the next level, well then believe me when I say that I can step it the fuck up. You will get burnt.

“Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred turned/ Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."

All the humiliation, the hurt, the confusion – it’s all still there, in my memories, in my nightmares, in the core of my soul. Impossible to turn out, emotions grow like cancer and feed on my positivity like parasites. But don’t flatter yourself, you are in no way strong enough to even penetrate my outer most barriers, the only reason you’re in so deep is because of him. I let him in and you attached yourself like a leech and now I can’t get rid of you.

And they ask me why I feel this way. Why am I such a monster? Why am I such an unforgiving, heartless bitch?
Why, why, why?

I’ll tell you.

What you did with him was merely the icing on the cake, a catalyst in the end of our friendship (I use the term ‘friendship’ very generously). What you did to me is unforgivable. Women are supposed to look out for each other, be there for each other, but instead we push each other face first into the dirt. Hard.
If only you knew how easy it would have been for me to forgive you and see things from your point of view because the person who was really to blame was him. We could have turned it around on him, you and me. We could have taken him down. We’re so strong, we’re so similar, we were both feeling the same kind of heartbreak. We could have been unstoppable. But you chose him over me. You kept me in the dark when I kept you in the light. You made sure I was powerless because you are selfish. 
You are insecure and naïve. 
You are insincere, deceitful and devious. 
How far will that get you, sweetheart? 
How about you earn yourself a little bit of dignity, loyalty and self-respect. The whole world isn’t out to get you, you’re out to get yourself.

And now it’s too late. He’s won. We let him win.

Aberdeen to London with Him

As I sat there contemplating the extent of my anxiety, we took off, and so did my soul. I was flying internally, rising effortlessly towards a great form that I was no longer afraid of. It seemed endless, that grey mass, as if we would ascend for all eternity until suddenly we broke through the barrier of heaven. The brightness of the sun was blinding and startling but as my pupils constricted and took in the surrounding view, my heart stopped.

This was God.

He was here.

Any remaining doubts were eradicated so violently that I thought I might die if I didn’t catch my breath immediately. But today was not my day. There is no way that one can even begin to feel the outlines of death when you are suspended there, between heaven and earth, which by the second, seemed to become less like two separate entities and one real existence. And in that moment I knew that He was with me. I felt it. I felt it in everything that I am because the purest part of me is everything that He is. I am a subset of Him and he is a part of me. Made in his image, imperfectly perfect, bound together forever but the ultimate sacrifice but I’m not complaining because these bonds are the bonds of life. Not oppression, or restraint, or unwillingness – they bare no similarities with anything man could begin to fathom. They are the representation of everything good, everything real, and without them I am nothing. These bonds are the Love of Christ and to cut myself off would mean cutting myself off from everything that goes hand in hand with love. Love is God and God is Love and therefore the opposite of love is not hate, it is an unconceivable emptiness…it is nothing. And that is why without Him, again, I am nothing. My life would become a meaningless vacuum; not even the light of day would be able to penetrate its circumference. Even now as I sit here, putting my trust in the hands of men just like me, I remind myself whose hands I’m really in. Who is guiding me, moving me, watching me always. ALWAYS. I am not alone and I know I never will be because I know that the question is not in his existence or presence, it is not even in mine, for His Love is so great, it cannot be confined to trivial ideas such as life or time. He loved me before I was here and He will love me after I have gone because he is the Lord. If you have ever been down on your knees, in the darkest of corners, being suffocated by sufferings that you feel will surely consume you, trust me when I say – you will call out to Him. You will seek Him. Even when you are just pleading to the night, you are talking to Him and he is listening because he is Lord. And no one can tell me otherwise, not one of you separate or combined could shake or break my faith. Don’t tell me that I believe in the unknown, in things that don’t exist because I’m incapable of hearing you or understanding you. To me, you are the illogical one, because the way I feel is so powerful, I could reach out and touch it. “Don’t you need proof?”, you ask. I have proof. It’s in everything that is. 

Secrets

and I’m sitting here, and my mind is blank, save for you.

I want to write about something captivating, intriguing, important – and all I can think about is you.

Still you.

After all this time, you.

The same you, the very same.

You.

Memories ebb away, blurred, distorted. Feelings remain unscathed. Progressively veiled, yes, but consistent in strength.

Can you feel this fire inside me?

Your light burns bright and blistering in my soul.

So beautiful, yet so destructive.

It needs no fuel nor air.

This self-sufficient flame contains the very best of you. The parts that you gave to me by accident and then hid away so suddenly.

But you cannot steal them back now, it’s too late, they belong to me.

And I will remember. You can never forget.

To walk away is sacred.

To revel, a sin.

But I am too weak in your presence.

Your righteousness, a magnet.

Your sexuality radiating all over me.

Your weaknesses shielded by a glistening halo.

And your scent.

Your scent – it’s everywhere.

It seeps through my logic and suffocates my doubts.

Drugging my sanity.

Contaminating clarity so carelessly. Heartlessly. Effortlessly.

And you don’t even know it.

And you can never know it. 

I can wait.

I asked for a sign. 
I begged for a sign. 
I pleaded for some sense of direction. 


Be careful what you wish for.

How can I even have the audacity to question whether this is it. It was literally screamed at me, repeated for emphasis.
He was clearly in my view so he was obviously on my mind. I couldn’t ignore or block my ears. 
I couldn’t escape. 
He was speaking to me and I had to listen. 
HE was speaking. 
He told me to follow, to admire and to aspire.

I’m starting to do that thing where I add it all up. I add it all up and I make conclusions. 
I deduce, I infer, I assume. Correlation, causation, summation.
What if? 
Why not? 
I eliminate anomalies and omit certain figures that I believe don’t fit in with my mean values. Skip, delete, ignore. 
You can’t do that in real life though because that’s when things come back to slap you in the face. 
You can’t eliminate people. Especially people who don’t deserve it, so what am I trying to do?

There is no way on earth that I can possibly begin to try and control this situation and manipulate it to my advantage. There is no way I would want to because I don’t want to carry someone else’s tears in my heart. 
She would be heartbroken, and He would be disappointed, and he would be unhappy and we would be cursed. 
So what do I do?

I just wait. And He knows how long I can wait. 

here it comes

Oh no, oh no, oh no. It’s happening, here it comes.

Here comes the nausea, the bitchiness, the wall. The wall that I’m building between us. I knew this would happen, I just knew. Whether or not predicting our downfall actually impacted in it, I’ll never know. And does it really matter anyway considering there is no way I can ever switch off my thoughts. So if my thoughts = the end of my relationships, there’s nothing I can do about that.

Let’s be real for a second. You can’t handle me and you know it. Or perhaps you’re completely oblivious right now but you should know it. I need someone to tame me – not because I’m a wild person but I become that way when I see opportunity. I need someone who’s strong enough to keep me grounded but without being suffocating. Someone who’s strength completely overshadows any weaknesses that can be exploited. You have to capture me completely; have some sort of hold on my emotions, completely manipulate my ability to consciously feel. I need you to be intoxicating in every sense – why do you smell so far away? I need to constantly be able to breathe in your scent and that scent is supposed to be able to activate my reward pathway so hard that I OD on dopamine. That’s what I need. And you can’t give me what I need.

But he can. And he knows he can. Look at what he’s done to me.

Are you happy now? This is what you wanted isn’t it? And I know deep inside that you only had my best interests at heart; how were you to know that your actions would have much deeper implications. If only you knew that I understood you wholeheartedly. If only you knew that I knew exactly what you meant. And yes I know how it feels. And yes that’s exactly what I want. And yes I would gladly wait…if waiting meant I could be with you at the end of it all.