Don't go

Wait.

Please wait for me.

Is it unfair of me to ask that of you? Probably. 

Would I do the same for you if you asked? Definitely.

What started out as nothing very suddenly turned into something. Gradually we became something more. Eventually, we’re supposed to be everything…I thought you wanted that too. 

If I look inside, really look inside at how I feel, everything is mixed up, floating around making me feel sick.

I’m angry. I’m angry because I feel humiliated. I’m angry because you’re giving up, not giving in. I’m angry because you may never have been there in the first place. I’m angry because I thought I was different in your eyes because you treated me like I was. I’m angry at you for the way you treat me now – like I’m regular, normal, common.  I’m angry because I feel replaced. I’m angry because you won’t admit it. Just admit it. I’m angry that I’m being ignored which is worse than being told to my face. I’m so angry. At you. At me. At us.

I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in you. In your will power, in your determination, in your lack of commitment. I’m disappointed in me – in my blindness, in my trust, in my naivety. I’m disappointed in my dreams, my dreams of us. I’m disappointed in us because I thought we were stronger than this. I thought we were better than this. You made me feel like we were greater than this. I’m disappointed in myself for letting you make me feel things.

I feel helpless because I can’t fix this. I feel out of control. I feel stupid and small. Insignificant even. Don’t want to seem desperate but that’s how I feel. I don’t want you to see inside me now. There was a time when I would have opened up myself to you in a heartbeat, invited you to live inside me, but now the thought gives me shivers. I don’t want you to see inside me now. I’m too weak.

And I miss you. Oh, how I miss you. I finally understand what it means to long for someone. I’ve always embraced that. I’ve always been open in that. Not anymore. I would hate for you to know my suffering. You can never know how much I feel.  You are not ready. But I was willing to wait. I was willing to wait until you were ready, until you understood, until you could handle me. Am I too much? Is that it? Am I not enough…

We spent so long somewhere between nothing and something that by the time I realised I was falling, it was too late. And there you were, falling for someone else. Or something else. Or nothing. I don’t even know what’s worse at this point; all I know is that I want you to come back. I want you to fall hard, so hard that you break…and everything comes spilling out. Or wait for me to come back and we’ll fall together. I want you to fall with me.

I want you to wait for me.  

Please wait for me.

The Dementor's Kiss

So sometimes my blog becomes my diary. This is partly due to the fact that I now find it much easier to type instead of write and partly because I believe that no one actually reads this. And if people ever start to read this, hopefully whatever I'm writing about now will have become irrelevant by then. I've just realised how long it takes me to get to my point. Prolixity Tash, prolixity.

So how did one of the happiest weeks I've had in a long time turn into a black pit filled with venemous reptiles? A little bit melodramatic, I know, but when you're on the verge of losing a seven year friendship due to extreme stupidity on both parts and you don't know if you'll ever be able to get it back, I think you have the right to be whatever you want to be. So I'm going to say yes, it feels like my heart is actually, physically breaking because it hurts that much. And yes, it feels as if I won't be happy again for a very long time. I'll even go one step further and say that I feel as if a dementor is sucking everything good out of me right now and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can keep going, but I won't.

Words, my favourite weapon to use based on effectiveness and ability to manipulate emotions.
One day, my inability to shut my mouth is going to be my downfall. I find it incredibly difficult to hide my feelings and opinions, not to mention the fact that I have to be right all the time. If you've done or said something to me that I don't like, I'm going to have to tell you. And not in a simple, polite way - it has to be hard-hitting, assertive and it has to completely trump any counter argument you have. It has to be absolute. Partly because I have pride and intimacy issues and partly because I want you to feel the same way you've made me feel and I know I have the power to do that in a single sentence.

But why do we feel the need to hurt the people we love the most? I used to think it was only you who did that, but now I see just how guilty I am too. It's disgusting.
And why do I always seem to push away the people I actually want most in my life whenever I'm going through a rough patch? Why do people do that? Surely that's when I need them the most, right? Is it because I don't want them to see me when I'm weak and vulnerable? I must always be strong in their eyes. Or is it because I just need space to deal with whatever I'm going through without the added pressure of having to keep up appearances. Or maybe we're throwing ourselves a pity party and making it clear that no one else is invited, but we really just want them to gate-crash. Maybe pushing people out is a way of telling them that you want them to fight their way back in so you can gain back even a tiny bit of self-worth that you have lost. You want reassurance because you are insecure.

So maybe I wanted you to fight for me just a little bit more, just a little bit harder, just a little bit longer. I wanted to be sure that you really meant what you said and so I needed proof. You were doing so well, you were almost in the green zone before you quit. Three-quaters of the way - what a wasted effort.

So is this where this war of words ends? Of course I had to have the final say but I have a feeling that this time, I pierced right through to that magnificent four-chambered organ of yours and mercilessly twisted. Is it too late to pray that I've missed? Is it too late to do anything to fix this?

What have I done.