Don't go

Wait.

Please wait for me.

Is it unfair of me to ask that of you? Probably. 

Would I do the same for you if you asked? Definitely.

What started out as nothing very suddenly turned into something. Gradually we became something more. Eventually, we’re supposed to be everything…I thought you wanted that too. 

If I look inside, really look inside at how I feel, everything is mixed up, floating around making me feel sick.

I’m angry. I’m angry because I feel humiliated. I’m angry because you’re giving up, not giving in. I’m angry because you may never have been there in the first place. I’m angry because I thought I was different in your eyes because you treated me like I was. I’m angry at you for the way you treat me now – like I’m regular, normal, common.  I’m angry because I feel replaced. I’m angry because you won’t admit it. Just admit it. I’m angry that I’m being ignored which is worse than being told to my face. I’m so angry. At you. At me. At us.

I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in you. In your will power, in your determination, in your lack of commitment. I’m disappointed in me – in my blindness, in my trust, in my naivety. I’m disappointed in my dreams, my dreams of us. I’m disappointed in us because I thought we were stronger than this. I thought we were better than this. You made me feel like we were greater than this. I’m disappointed in myself for letting you make me feel things.

I feel helpless because I can’t fix this. I feel out of control. I feel stupid and small. Insignificant even. Don’t want to seem desperate but that’s how I feel. I don’t want you to see inside me now. There was a time when I would have opened up myself to you in a heartbeat, invited you to live inside me, but now the thought gives me shivers. I don’t want you to see inside me now. I’m too weak.

And I miss you. Oh, how I miss you. I finally understand what it means to long for someone. I’ve always embraced that. I’ve always been open in that. Not anymore. I would hate for you to know my suffering. You can never know how much I feel.  You are not ready. But I was willing to wait. I was willing to wait until you were ready, until you understood, until you could handle me. Am I too much? Is that it? Am I not enough…

We spent so long somewhere between nothing and something that by the time I realised I was falling, it was too late. And there you were, falling for someone else. Or something else. Or nothing. I don’t even know what’s worse at this point; all I know is that I want you to come back. I want you to fall hard, so hard that you break…and everything comes spilling out. Or wait for me to come back and we’ll fall together. I want you to fall with me.

I want you to wait for me.  

Please wait for me.

The Dementor's Kiss

So sometimes my blog becomes my diary. This is partly due to the fact that I now find it much easier to type instead of write and partly because I believe that no one actually reads this. And if people ever start to read this, hopefully whatever I'm writing about now will have become irrelevant by then. I've just realised how long it takes me to get to my point. Prolixity Tash, prolixity.

So how did one of the happiest weeks I've had in a long time turn into a black pit filled with venemous reptiles? A little bit melodramatic, I know, but when you're on the verge of losing a seven year friendship due to extreme stupidity on both parts and you don't know if you'll ever be able to get it back, I think you have the right to be whatever you want to be. So I'm going to say yes, it feels like my heart is actually, physically breaking because it hurts that much. And yes, it feels as if I won't be happy again for a very long time. I'll even go one step further and say that I feel as if a dementor is sucking everything good out of me right now and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can keep going, but I won't.

Words, my favourite weapon to use based on effectiveness and ability to manipulate emotions.
One day, my inability to shut my mouth is going to be my downfall. I find it incredibly difficult to hide my feelings and opinions, not to mention the fact that I have to be right all the time. If you've done or said something to me that I don't like, I'm going to have to tell you. And not in a simple, polite way - it has to be hard-hitting, assertive and it has to completely trump any counter argument you have. It has to be absolute. Partly because I have pride and intimacy issues and partly because I want you to feel the same way you've made me feel and I know I have the power to do that in a single sentence.

But why do we feel the need to hurt the people we love the most? I used to think it was only you who did that, but now I see just how guilty I am too. It's disgusting.
And why do I always seem to push away the people I actually want most in my life whenever I'm going through a rough patch? Why do people do that? Surely that's when I need them the most, right? Is it because I don't want them to see me when I'm weak and vulnerable? I must always be strong in their eyes. Or is it because I just need space to deal with whatever I'm going through without the added pressure of having to keep up appearances. Or maybe we're throwing ourselves a pity party and making it clear that no one else is invited, but we really just want them to gate-crash. Maybe pushing people out is a way of telling them that you want them to fight their way back in so you can gain back even a tiny bit of self-worth that you have lost. You want reassurance because you are insecure.

So maybe I wanted you to fight for me just a little bit more, just a little bit harder, just a little bit longer. I wanted to be sure that you really meant what you said and so I needed proof. You were doing so well, you were almost in the green zone before you quit. Three-quaters of the way - what a wasted effort.

So is this where this war of words ends? Of course I had to have the final say but I have a feeling that this time, I pierced right through to that magnificent four-chambered organ of yours and mercilessly twisted. Is it too late to pray that I've missed? Is it too late to do anything to fix this?

What have I done.

Irrational Fears & Elemental Empathy

So I've uploaded a video today. I'm quite proud of it because I do think that my vlogs are improving with every one I make. Also, my laptop screen has decided to go a bit crazy so I've been using my sister's MacBook Pro for the last week and just used iMovie for the first time today. I think I've actually got the hang of it now - well, enough to be able to use basic editing. Having said that, I spent 80% of the video with my head too far down in the frame so I look a little bit odd. I couldn't be bothered to film the whole thing again so you'll have to forgive me - I won't let it happen again. It's funny how I'm talking to "you" when I have zero followers at the time of this post. Hopefully someone will get to read this, haha.


In my video, I discuss how I find sometimes that the weather reflects my mood and the emotions I'm feeling at the time. I'm sure this is the case for millions of people and I just thought I'd mention it because it was overcast today, and for the first time in a long time, I was in a good mood despite the weather. I think I should mention though that you must remember that I live in a city where we only get about a weeks worth of cloudy weather in a year, so don't assume I spend half my life wallowing in self pity. The fact that we are blessed enough to receive such a vast amount of sunshine might be the reason why I seem to be in a good mood almost everyday - or maybe I'm just a naturally cheery person. All I know is that, when it is overcast, those are the days I usually feel sad or down, and that's before I even find out what the weather's like outside which is why I like to think that the weather is reflecting my emotions rather than me reflecting the weather. I've always wondered what the literary term for this is - it's not quite pathetic fallacy because I'm not personifying the weather or giving it human characteristics, I'm just acknowledging that the weather is matching how I feel in that I'm associating sadness with clouds and happiness with sunshine. My GCSE English teacher once used the term 'elemental empathy' to describe this once and it's stuck with me ever since. In fact, that has become one of my favourite phrases of all time. That woman was (still is) brilliant. I remember her banning the use of the words 'very', 'also', 'a lot', 'big', 'small' and 'nice'. Let's not go off topic though. Maybe the weather actually has no real effect on my mood whatsoever - we'll certainly find out when I move to Scotland in September.


Another thing I talked about was my stupid, crazy, irrational fear of the most unlikely things happening to me when I'm performing everyday normal activities. I'm not making these things up, I actually think about things like this all the time - I can't help it. Ok, I don't want you to think that I'm bombarded with these thoughts every second of my day, it's more like, they float through my mind and sometimes I pay attention to them and laugh at my own incredulity and sometimes I completely ignore them. So they're not really 'fears' as such, but more like 'mildly troubling thoughts'.I just thought it would be fun to share them with the world, but as a result, my friends think I'm totally strange and don't want to hang out with me anymore. I'm kidding - they love me anyway (I hope). 


My next video will be interesting as it will be uploaded on Wednesday and I've decided to make Wednesdays a bit of a love-fest really. Lots of love related topics and such. It's been a productive week so far I think. Let's see how the rest of it goes...


Please & Thank you :)